I figured out I was a lesbian 10 years ago. At the time I had been married for 15 years. We had two kids, a dog, a station wagon and a house--but no white picket fence, thank God. When I made my discovery, everything I thought I knew about my reality crumbled around me and I cannot express the confusion and fear I felt. Paramount in my thoughts was my family. I felt sick about breaking up my family--I couldnt even think about it at times, especially the effect on my kids. I would instantly break down in tears--at the dinner table, at class, at a store. Yet as time went on it became clearer and clearer to me that I had to leave the marriage in order to survive, emotionally and even physically, as I was having suicidal thoughts.
Looking back, I can now acknowledge the denial I was in when I got married. Although I had attractions to women all my life, I was unable to connect that with identifying myself as a lesbian. This was purely a survival strategy, totally on a subconscious level. My mind simply could not allow that admission, through fear of how I would be treated and viewed by society. So sad! The result was, I did what was expected...I got married and had children and lived in a kind of oblivion.
For years, denial seemed to work. My mind was silent while allowing me to weave an intricate and full life as a heterosexual...marrying, having children, forming community bonds. But denial turns out not to be permanent. After years of protection, the spell wore off, leaving me laid bare, as I am, my true sexual identity exposed and raw and as demanding as a newborn.
Now I see the great irony of it all. In the end, denial betrays us and doubles the pain. Far from sparing me from the pain I so feared--the anticipation of living as a lesbian--denial ultimately added the even more devastating pain of breaking up my family. Although I have been divorced for 5 years, it still hurts. I still have trouble thinking about the effects this has had on my family. Luckily, my kids and ex-husband seem to have weathered the storm, allowing me some peace with my past.
RAIN [Adobe PDF]denial of disability, impaired problem solving. and reasoning, cause pain and diminish the range of motion. in the affected joints. Range-of-motion therapy more hits from: http://www.mainlinehealth.org/files/familybiguidefinal_13546.pdf ::
denial of disability, impaired problem solving. and reasoning, cause pain and diminish the range of motion. in the affected joints. Range-of-motion therapy
http://www.mainlinehealth.org/files/familybiguidefinal_13546.pdfHOME |
Orientation to KAN Be Healthy Registered Nurse Training Program [Adobe PDF]proof of approval or denial from the primary insurance blurring, blind spots); eye pain, diplopia (double. vision); redness or swelling; watering or more hits from: https://www.kmap-state-ks.us/Documents/content/KBH/Orie::
proof of approval or denial from the primary insurance blurring, blind spots); eye pain, diplopia (double. vision); redness or swelling; watering or
http://www.kmap-state-ks.us/Documents/content/KBH/Orienta0%202005%20(numbered).pdfHOME |
The saddest part is that the fears that drove me into denial have proved to be largely unfounded. By finally accepting myself and embracing my sexuality, instead of the suffering I imagined, I have experienced relief and a sense of peace and wholeness.
 My rights and duties- employer asks me to provide testimony in its civil lawsuit
 Asian or Pacific Islander?
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Denial Of Sexual Orientation Doubles The Pain